On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
