i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
