the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
