I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
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Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
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Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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