my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
