Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Randomize
