The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
