i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
