The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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