my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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