at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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