How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
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Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
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I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
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