In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
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