Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
