My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
