Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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