"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
