would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
