We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
