The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
