Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize