omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
