My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
