I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
