I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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