I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
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Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
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I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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