and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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