matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
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