Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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