I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
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