Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
someone threw a dead crab at me
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
