Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
