Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
