i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
