walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
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