she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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