yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
There are leaves in my underwear?
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