I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
