you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
