He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
