I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Randomize
