So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
