I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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