I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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