dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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