based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Randomize
