did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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