1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I faked an abortion last night.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
