So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
