I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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