he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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