I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
