Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
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To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
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sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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