i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
