Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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